


Thoughts, Feelings

by The Mighty Porthos (Porthos4ever)



Series: Duality Apocalypse AU [4]
Category: Eleventh Hour (US TV), The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Angst, Asexuality Spectrum, Crossover Pairings, Gray-Asexuality, M/M, Multiple Crossovers, Neurodiversity, Polyamory, Romance, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23271394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porthos4ever/pseuds/The%20Mighty%20Porthos
Summary: Henry's always known that he was different from the people around him. He thought he'd found peace with those differences. Then he meets Jacob.
Relationships: Jacob Hood/Dr. Henry Jekyll
Series: Duality Apocalypse AU [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668682
Comments: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Part of Henry has always felt somewhat detached from the world. Like there's always part of his mind, set apart from his emotions, impartially watching, observing. It's impossible not to analyze the world around him, cataloging information, determining cause and effect. Problems are simply puzzles to be unraveled, even if might take months or years of unraveling. Even puzzles that appear to be solved require a second look, a verification. (Why can they only connect to their own twins? Henry thinks this puzzle is intricate, and impossible to call 'complete' without extensive exploration and testing.)

It makes him different from the other boys in their year. Different, and painfully aware of it, even before the others are. Being this way means it's impossible for him not to see it, impossible not to feel somehow apart from the others because of it. But it's another puzzle too, to an extent. What to do and how to behave enough like the others to hide his differences. He sees the most of himself in Daniel, quiet and observant, which is perfect when Larry likes his twin Ben so much, so Henry sets himself to the puzzle of understanding his pretty blond year mate, and applying the correct traits and mannerisms to his own interactions with the world. It's easy, comfortable, and soon he's so used to it that he barely thinks about it at all.

"I'm glad Daniel's your best friend," Larry says to him one night when they cuddle together in their big bed.

It surprises Henry, but only for the second it takes to analyze the statement.Then it's a completely reasonable thing for Larry to assume. "You're my best friend," he replies, and Larry smiles and kisses him.

"Well yes of course, I'm your twin. But we can still have best friends after that, right?"

"Right," Henry agrees, because it makes Larry happy and seems like the right thing to say.

Larry. His twin is the easiest for him to figure out, not because he's uncomplicated, but because he's the most important. It's fascinating, to see and compare the differences between himself and this boy who shares his physical form. Larry wants to please people, has a deep desire for harmony around him. And he understands people, though it's in this strange, intuitive way, like he doesn't even realize it. That's the most curious thing to Henry, realizing that his brother's intellect might not have anything to do with conscious thought and analysis at all, but some kind of ingrained ability to process people's body language and tone of voice and react instinctually. And Larry's usually right.

With him, Larry is unconditionally loving, never pulling away even when Henry himself feels the most apart from the world. Larry seems to always know exactly when to give him the time to think and analyze, or when and how to engage when Henry's spiraled too deep into a puzzle, how to anchor him back to the real world. Henry loves him fiercely for that, and so much more - Larry is the only person in the world where his emotions seem to come naturally, and not as a result of a carefully unraveled puzzle. The anomaly is strange, but easy enough to compartmentalize. Larry is his twin. They were born to be close.

Intimacy, however, is still a strange consideration. It's always been natural to be close to Larry, of course, and feeling unconditionally comfortable with his twin is one of the most valuable things in the world to him. It's the things outside their relationship that are in-congruent. Things that begin to be gently suggested to the boys in his year, encouraged in such a way that makes Henry think they might not discover or choose these things on their own, if left to their own devices. 

"Are we really supposed to masturbate together?" he asks his mother one day, in a rare moment when he's with her alone.

She looks surprised, which in and of itself confirms a few theories. "How do you even know that word? Never mind. Just... yes, I suppose, if you want. It's perfectly normal and natural. And Larry's your twin, so he's the best person in the world to try anything new with, right? Talk to him, okay?"

That was in line with the advice they were always given, so Henry nods, and tries to file it away as normal, even if what he observes doesn't always indicate otherwise. Or maybe it is, for some pairs? Ben and Daniel express no surprise at the idea of twins understanding each other's bodies fully, nor do Neal and Kenneth. And no-one in the group ever seems to react negatively, so Henry takes note and adjusts his behavior, letting himself be comfortable with touching every part of Larry's body in the shower, cleaning his twin as thoroughly as Larry does him.

It feels good, to be touched, even if just purely from an analytical standpoint. It feels good, and it obviously feels good for Larry. Perhaps that's all that matters. It's enough for him to want to respond when Larry presses close to him in bed, to stroke his brother's hair, his back, to hold him. To let their sweet kisses linger the way he's seen Ben and Daniel do sometimes. And he knows that Larry, who always wants the people around him to be happy and harmonious, wants that kind of intimacy of Henry most of all. So Henry tries to relax into it as much as he can, to make this intimacy his default state, and hopes that one day he won't have to think about it the way he doesn't have to think about his love for Larry.

Things get stranger as they get older, though, as they get closer to manhood, to the Activation of their magic. Henry can always get into sync with Larry when they meditate, of course. He's well learned to let his own consciousness slip away into the security and understanding of Larry's ego, into his twin's emotions into his awareness, to let his own thought patterns align with them. Larry feels _so much_, so much that sometimes Henry wonders if his twin has part of his own share of emotion, but it's never frightening. He knows Larry, better than anyone in the world, including possibly himself. He loves Larry, and that love lubricates all their interactions, helps Henry always understand him.

Sexual attraction, though... his brother's sexual attraction is definitely the strangest thing to experience.

It's not a new concept, the first time he feels it from Larry. He realizes he's seen it in other boys from their year. The way some of them look at each other, the way eyes linger on bodies when they change for training with their mother, or wait for the showers afterwards. Neal and Kenneth, definitely, look at each other with an underlying tone of want and knowledge of those wants satisfied, look at many of the others like they want to discover the same with them.

The first morning he really deeply considers the feeling it's because Larry feels it towards him, which he supposes is logical enough. They'd been handsy in the shower, something that was becoming more frequent than the occasional exploration, and pleasurable in a distinctly different way. But then Larry feels that way about Ben, too, and many of the other boys in their year to some degree. Part of Henry wants to chalk it up to just the differences between them, but his mind won't let him. He knows that in this, too, he's apart, and different, even in the way he feels towards his twin. He loves Larry, loves being with him, loves being close to him. But he's becoming more and more aware that he only touches Larry _like that_ because his brother wants it, that he only lets himself be touched because it makes Larry happy.

He doesn't feel that kind of emotion, that _attraction_ to anyone, even Larry, and it's more troubling than it logically should be.

Is it because of the way that he thinks? He's certainly had times before where he felt like his emotions were muted or missing compared to the people around him, especially the stronger ones like anger, fear and jealousy. It must be his mind, because his body certainly responds to intimacy, in the right situation. But perhaps it's a puzzle he can solve to put his mind in the right place.

For a while he focuses on a likely hypothesis that he might be able to convince himself to feel that way if he sets his mind to it, and decides that he's going to have a crush on Daniel, the most logical and sensible decision of all the boys in their year. It makes perfect sense, and he's always enjoyed his time around Daniel, so trying to spend more time with him isn't a hardship. He tries to tell himself to emulate the behavior he's seen Larry exhibit around Ben - crowding into his space, touching him casually, breathless and laughing when he speaks. But it feels entirely fake, and wrong, and within a couple of days he gives up on it altogether and hopes Daniel hasn't noticed.

Instead, he focuses on Larry. On trying to be better at identifying when his twin needs intimacy, on trying to engage in that intimacy regardless of whether or not his _attraction_ is on board with the idea. That's the most important thing, to make Larry happy, and accomplishing that feels better than anything, so he enjoys it even when his biological functions don't match his twin's. 

When their magic activates - when he can feel his twin all the time and truly understands that the depth of attraction Larry feels is basically unending - it's jarring and disruptive to the tidy way that Henry has ordered his world. It's impossible to deny the truth of what he's always suspected: there's something wrong with him, something broken about the way that he thinks and feels, and it's impossible to deny it when the proof of it,in Larry's emotions, presses constantly against his own. 

It's difficult, but Henry's committed to the decision that Larry's happiness is Most Important, and he forces himself to focus only on solving the puzzle of giving Larry what he needs. When he arranges for Larry to start going to bed with the Schreber twins on a regular basis, Henry finds that to his surprise, his biological functions align themselves without complaint to the decision to seek intimacy with his twin on a much more frequent basis. It's surprisingly nice, to let himself sink into the familiar warmth of Larry's emotions, his desire and arousal. It feels good to just focus on his twin, on the pleasure Larry feels at his touch, on the joy he feels from Henry seeking out their intimacy. Henry still doesn't really feel the kind of desire that his brother does, and certainly not _attraction_, but everything that's involved in making love to his twin - the cerebral happiness combined with physical pleasure, and the feedback from his twin - finally makes him want to pursue intimacy with Larry in a way that makes sense.

And then finally, finally, is Activation. Planned and prepared for their entire lives and yet somehow it feels impossible to have prepared for at all. How could he have conceptualized how much closer he'd feel to Larry, the impossible closeness that stays deep inside him even afterwards, warm and secure? Being Activated feels like the deepest meditation, like he's somehow been able to finally turn off that busy part of his brain that makes him feel so alone in the world. He sinks into Larry's emotions, and without all the complications of his conscious mind he finally feels that burn of desire that's so long eluded him. He's not sure whether or not it's caused or triggered by Larry's desire, but it doesn't matter, and when he finally comes out of the haze at the end of Activation Larry's joy is greater than it's ever been, his emotions sweet and adoring and blissful and so, so thankful as they cuddle together.

Henry could have never anticipated how completely gratifying it would be. In the days that follow he feels clear-headed and focused, like Activation has reset him, made him feel settled in the world in a way that lets him be his best self. He trains himself, like Ben, to remember more and more of it. The memories of their time Activated, with his mind calm and quiet and fully focused on making love to Larry, become an anchor of stability no matter what might happen in the world. 

It makes him feel confident enough to begin to pursue answers to the most fascinating puzzle of why twins can only connect with each other. He's certain there's far more to that. Fortunately, the arrival of the pairs from their year at the Protector Hall has achieved such unexpectedly positive results that the city's medical scientists and psychologists put resources into their study, and Henry has no problem finding a place for himself in that. His own studies he conducts quietly on the side, convinced that Larry and his boyfriend - and perhaps his other lover, his boyfriend's twin - can connect through their dedication to each other if given enough time, and for months Henry has all that he needs in the world - puzzles to keep his mind happy, a home with the Schreber twins, and Larry. Larry, happier than he's ever been.

And then the Murdoch twins arrive.

It throws Henry off his game immediately, having to counsel them through activation. That's never been his role, never his strength. But rescuing the Murdochs was Daniel's vision, possibly born of Henry's unauthorized experiments. It's important to Daniel, which means it's important to Larry, and with the Schrebers activated, somehow Henry is the bear that Daniel trusts. It's nerve-wracking, trying to make sure he's following Daniel's lead, saying the right things, and while the new twins seem to come out the other side of Activation shiny side up, he still can't help but worry about whether or not he's said something wrong, something that will make them question their activation, hurt their intimacy.

Then Jacob Murdoch, newly returned from Activation, looks at him from across the breakfast table with his green, green eyes and says, "I'd very much like to know more about how all of this works."

Henry's first instinct is to say no. It's not practical. This man has had his entire life upended. Does he even have the capacity to understand after being raised in a colony with only pre-twentieth tech?

But there's something in his eyes, in his voice, a keenness, a hint of intelligence. And before Henry can even analyze the situation he's astonished to find himself agreeing. "I can teach you," he says, and the response feels like it's come from Larry's intuition, because Jacob smiles, and it feels like the whole room has gotten brighter.

"Thank you. I'd really like that."

Henry tells himself that it won't be more than an afternoon. Surely Jacob won't be able to understand more than the most elementary of concepts. And he'll have other things to do, helping with the plan to liberate his colony from the control of it's distinctly cult-like religious leadership. But Jacob catches on far more quickly, and turns out to be far more well-read than Henry had anticipated, and when, after the rescue operation is complete and his family is settled, Jacob comes to him again, Henry finds himself saying yes, again, without even thinking it through.

Jacob's hungry for knowledge, and Henry finds surprising benefit in having an eager sounding board whose quick enough to learn that he may well soon become a collaborator. Part of him suspects that of everyone he's ever met - including the other researchers - Jacob might perhaps actually think a little like he does. It must only be a little, of course, because Jacob clearly experiences attraction and desire, often tumbling into bed with his twin and Henry's other three housemates in what has become a frequent and cheerfully carnal five-some. Except sometimes he doesn't, and seems perfectly happy not to, and Henry longs for the day when he can figure out an appropriate way to ask him about it.

There's other things to consider, of course. Jacob's nightmares, that he works so hard to keep from effecting his twin. Henry's never particularly been a heavy sleeper, especially when he's naturally shifted to a bi-nocturnal sleep schedule. He enjoys having a wakeful period when much of the world is asleep, time to make a cup of tea and delve into his projects. Except now, somehow, his project is Jacob, a problem that can't really be solve with logic and intellect or anything other than just... _being there_

"I'm sorry to keep doing this to you," Jacob says quietly, the fourth or fifth time Henry's spent an hour quietly talking him down over tea, one arm around his shoulders. "I really appreciate it. Alana says that I'll stop feeling this way in time, I just... can't find a way to make that time go faster."

Henry's fingers stroke slow circles on his bicep, because experience has proven that touch, like tea, lowers the amount of time it takes Jacob to calm after a nightmare. "No need to apologize, it's no hardship. I'm usually awake around this time. And anyway, we can't really logic our way into feeling something, or not feeling something in this case."

Jacob gives a soundless laugh, leaning into him more. "... no, I suppose not," he murmurs after a moment, staring down at his tea. "I know I should talk to John. I will in the morning. I just... right now when I still can't shake the dream I don't think I can handle feeling his worry on top of everything I feel."

"It's hard not to just want to feel their happiness all the time," Henry agrees, and Jacob nods, exhaling a sigh and relaxing more into him.

"Yeah. Part of me wonders if it's healthy, craving his happiness so much. I have to keep telling myself that keeping things from him will hurt him in the long run."

Henry nods slowly, thinking back. Alana had considered him and Larry problematic at one time, before they activated. It had shocked Henry to hear it, but then, like most things, it had immediately made sense. It's a subject he avoids talking about with others, even Alana. It's a hard shortcoming to admit to.

"For a while before we activated I was keeping things from Larry," he finds himself admitting, because as much as he doesn't want to say it, he knows Jacob needs to hear it. "I didn't know that it would be a risk to our activation, but I should have. I would have, if I'd thought through it rationally. I was just fixated on not wanting to worry him, I didn't want him to feel like... like he was asking too much of me. I didn't want him to question himself like I did, and the more I tried to hide it, the more I tried to force myself to make up for it, the worse it got. I thought I found a solution to finally fix things between us, but in the end it was less about the solution and more because... I finally figured out how to talk to him about it."

Jacob turns to look up at him, the warmth of the single lamp in his bedroom glinting off the green of his irises, thin rims around wide pupils in the dim light. "Thank you," he said quietly. "You're right. I'll try and do better. I... there's been a lot of things I've kept from John, and I shouldn't have. I suspected for a long time that they were lying to us about... the whole religious justification for the Bears disappearing before we activated. I thought they were turning us out into the wilderness to die, it seemed a logical way to help keep control of the compound. Control the breeding, lower the number of males to help keep the polygamous lifestyle. I'd started preparing things on the outside to run away with John if he'd been in danger, if I'd shown Rabbit magic. But because he wasn't in danger I convinced myself that I didn't need to risk his survival as well as my own... even if it meant never seeing him again."

Henry strokes his hand down his arm to wrap more tightly around Jacob's waist, giving a squeeze that he hopes is reassuring. "It worked out alright in the end, though, didn't it?"

"Only because of him." Jacob looks down into his tea. "I'm glad he's the rabbit. I don't think I'd be good at it. I don't think I'll ever be as brave as he is."

Henry balks at the idea, his reaction surprisingly strong. "Even if that's how you feel, it doesn't mean it's true. You'd do anything to protect him, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would, but it's not about that. I... Henry...." Jacob looks up at him again, silent and helpless, and there's such conflict in his gaze that before he can stop himself Henry's setting aside his tea, cupping his cheek to comfort him like he would Larry.

"It's alright," he murmurs softly, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. He can feel Jacob shudder as he presses into the touch. "You don't have to talk about it with me if you don't want to. But I'm here to listen, if you think it'll help you talk to John."

Jacob gives a soft, helpless laugh and closes his eyes, turning his face into Henry's palm until his nose bumps the base of his thumb, lips just brushing the heel of his palm. It feels unexpectedly intimate in a way Henry's not used to with anyone other than Larry, but then again, wasn't that the point? Jacob obviously needs the reassurance of this touch.

"I thought I was in love with Leon," he murmurs finally, not opening his eyes. "I mean, I _know_ I was. I didn't tell him, or John. I knew that John would encourage it. But I also knew that whatever happened, however I ended up being, I was going to leave him, one way or the other, and it just... felt so cruel when everyone else in his life had left him."

It would be easy to encourage Jacob to rectify the situation now, but logically, Henry knows that ship has sailed. They've hardly seen Leon since his arrival except when they see Frank, who's immersed himself in the resettling efforts. Leon says it's because he wants to help the people from the compound, but even Henry can see the way he looks at Frank. 

"You brought him with you here, though," Henry says, not really knowing what else to do but stroke Jacob's jaw gently with his fingertips.

Jacob lets out a long breath, warm against Henry's palm. "I couldn't leave him. John says that decision saved us, kept us alive long enough for the Protector Hall to arrive. But that was still him. We slept together, the three of us, the night we left. The last night we were safe. But that was John, too, inviting it blindly without even knowing how I felt. I'm just not brave like that."

Henry sighs, shifting so that Jacob can rest his head on his shoulder, stroking his fingers through his dark curls. Part of him suspects that Jacob just needs comfort, but the idea of Jacob not being brave, being _lesser_, doesn't sit right with him. He can't help but think, analyze, puzzle through it.

"Maybe we just think too much," he says finally. "Larry's always been... so intuitively in tune with other people, he just knows what to do and what to say without having to think about it. I've always been a bit jealous of that. But maybe I just spend so much time in my head over-thinking things. It's hard to stop thinking and just... do."

Jacob gives a long sigh, cuddling into him silently. "Yeah," he says finally. "It is. Um... listen, I don't want to keep you up, and I - I really - I don't want to wake John..."

"I can stay with you as long as you need," Henry offers immediately.

Jacob pulls back, sitting up to look at him, conflicted again. "If it's alright, can I - I know you have things to do, but maybe - could I just sleep in your bed? If you don't think Larry will mind?"

"He won't mind," Henry assures, and even though he could spend more time working, he curls up with Jacob in bed and closes his eyes. He feels unexpectedly tender doing so, and it feels nice, listening to Jacob relax into slow, deep breathing until Henry falls asleep again as well.

~~~

Letting Jacob sleep in his bed that night had seemed the logical thing to do, and because it was logical, Henry doesn't think about it again. Jacob doesn't have another nightmare, as far as Henry knows, before the next time he and Larry activate, when Henry has thirty-six hours or so of blessedly not thinking at all.

Crawling exhausted into bed with his twin as they come down, Larry's emotions buzz against his own, strong and warm. Larry is happy, well-ravished and satisfied, basking in their closeness, and Henry closes his eyes and lets himself drift in that sense of well-being.

Then Larry shifts against him, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth with a soft wave of curiosity. "Hen?"

"Mmm?"

Larry's fingers stroke slow circles on his back. "Which one of them are you in love with?"

For a moment the question is so unexpected that Henry can't think at all, like the world has ground to a halt. He draws back, opening his eyes to look at his twin. "What are you talking about?"

"Yesterday," Larry replies. "John and Jacob were here when we came back from the mission, when we switched. The way that you felt...." Wonder beams from his twin, and happiness, a little smile playing about the corner of his lips.

At the describing, Henry remembers. Both twins, so alike, and yet he knows Jacob even at a glance, even in his Activated state. He knows Jacob, and as he watches the Murdoch twins leave, feels such a rush of longing, of adoration, of - 

"....Oh." Because of _course_ he's in love with Jacob, and now that Larry has named what he feels there's no way he can ignore it anymore. How the hell is he in love with Jacob? When did he even fall in love with Jacob?

Larry's fingers are gentle on his hair as he presses soft kisses to his forehead, his nose, his lips. "Told you that I didn't get your share of the mushy feelings," he murmurs, smiling as he presses the joke to Henry's lips with a kiss. "Does he know?"

"No," Henry croaks, mind racing. He doesn't, does he? He can't. He can't, it'll ruin everything. "Please don't tell him."

He feels worry from Larry, tenderness, love. "I think he'd like to know, Henry."

Would he? Jacob's been so kind, so friendly with him. Perhaps he would. But that's as far as it could ever be. Henry knows so well that he's not boyfriend material, and even if Jacob was willing to deal with all of his shortcomings he can't ask him to do that. "I - it doesn't matter. I don't want him to know. Please, Lar. Promise me."

His twin's disappointment makes him feel worse, but at least Larry nods, cuddling him close. "I promise," he murmurs, and doesn't mention it again.

~~~


	2. Chapter 2

"I've been thinking about these meditations," Jacob says to him one morning, when the others have left their quarters. "I get that we should be cautious, I know why the other researchers say we have to adhere to due process before we can start inviting other pairs to start trying to connect to each other. But there's nothing stopping us from undertaking it on our own, is there? If it's our own voluntary curiosity, like it was when you started having Ben and Larry work together? John and I have fully adjusted now, our readings are as strong as any of yours. We could try meditating with a third."

Henry knows - has always known - that he shouldn't. But he also knows that he's right, and his twin has given him the proof of that. Their unauthorized experiments had saved Ben and Daniel. He drums his fingers on the table, considering it. "It would be a good iteration. I thought it would work with Larry because even though he was closest with Ben, a rabbit and a bear together, he was still close to both of them. Perhaps we could see what we can achieve if Daniel begins to meditate with both of you?"

"Daniel... oh." Jacob looks briefly surprised, then a strange emotion crosses his face that Henry can't place. "I guess? I...was actually thinking, maybe... you?"

Henry's certain that there's a hundred reasons why that's a bad idea. He tells himself there must be, because he can only focus on one; the thought of opening himself up to Jacob's feelings, or worse, Jacob feeling _his_, is terrifying. It's been several months since Larry had unwittingly forced him to recognize his love for Jacob, and Henry finally feels like he's safely and comfortably hiding it. "There'd be no benefit to that," he says quickly. "I couldn't help you if something happened during activation."

"Hmm." Jacob's lips purse, and he looks down into his stim drink. "I suppose practically you're right. But we've already seen what can be done with a bear and two rabbits. Why not a rabbit and two bears?"

"Just for the sake of knowing?"

"Any knowledge is worth pursuing, isn't it?" Jacob points out, which, of course, he's right about.

Henry forces a smile. "I'll think about it, alright? They weren't exactly happy with me last time. And you and John are still pretty new to this, all things considered."

"It's been a year. Our readings are strong, we'll be fine. Maybe they'll be even stronger."

Henry shakes his head. "We can't risk you."

Jacob lets out a long sigh, looking more disappointed than Henry had anticipated. "Alright."

He has a thought suddenly, worrying, that Jacob might go off on his own. He knows what he'd do if he were refused the opportunity to prove a theory he'd thought through so completely - hell, he's already done it. He leans forward to cover Jacob's hand on his mug. "Promise?"

"I said alright." Jacob pulls his hand away, and leaves the table without saying another word.

It's hard for Henry not to think about it as he goes about his day. Things have settled, to a degree, in the year since the City had taken in Jacob's colony. The newcomers all still had regular sessions with the city's counselors - some more regular than others - which had meant less resources for the Protector Hall's doctors in their work with pairs. With the older pairs, primarily, the ones who had spent their life in chaos around their Activation. Around half of them had, over the past year, committed to trying to lessen the use of tranquilizers in their activations, and all their data is carefully recorded and catalogued for comparison. Henry spends the day observing, watching pairs try to connect through meditation and comparing results, but it's hard when he's distracted. Is Jacob mad at him, for shooting down his idea?

He tells Larry about it a few days later, when they have a bit of time alone, and while he feels sympathy from his twin, it's flavored with a strange kind of... knowing?

"I don't want him to think I don't trust his judgement or his intellect," he tries, and Larry smiles, scooting closer to take Henry's hand in his own.

"Have you told him that?"

Henry balks at the answer. "I - I've never given him any other reason to think so."

"That's not what I asked." Larry strokes his hand, watching him as he speaks. "Hen... this is about how you feel about him, isn't it?"

Henry wants to push back, to deny it. But he can't hide things from Larry. And even if he could, he shouldn't. He stares down at their joined hands and barely manages a nod.

Larry keeps stroking gentle circles with his thumb. "And that makes you afraid to meditate with him?"

Henry hears a choked laugh escape his lips. "I don't want - Lar, he _can't_ know."

"Why?"

Henry can feel the gaze of his twin's blue eyes almost as vividly as he can feel his gentle care and concern, and he fights with the answer. Shouldn't it be obvious to Larry by now? He couldn't ever be a good boyfriend for Jacob, even if Jacob miraculously returned his feelings. "I like him so much," he manages finally, voice rough, barely managing more than a whisper. "The time we spend together... I don't want that to change. It... it terrifies me."

Larry gives a soft, pained sound and moves in to hug him, gathering him close. "Things don't have to change. Not for the worse."

Henry gives another helpless laugh. "You can't know that."

"No, I can't. But I know he's been just as out of sorts these past few days as you have. I know John's just as worried about him as I am about you. And..." he sighs, then pulls back, cupping Henry's cheek. "Listen, Hen. If you keep going on saying nothing, things are going to change for you whether you like it or not. And it's definitely not going to be for the better."

He's right, of course, logically right, and Henry's brain knows it. But the rest of him is still terrified. He tries to feel angry at himself for letting emotion overrule logic, but it doesn't really work. "I hate mushy feelings."

Larry's kiss is infused with love and longing, so strong and bittersweet that for a moment Henry can't breathe. His brother's fingers stroke through his hair. "I love you so much, Henry," he whispers. "Please, please talk to him. You don't have to tell him everything. Just talk to him."

Henry swallows hard, and tries to make his brain tell his panic to abate. "I don't know if I can. I...."

Larry's love is still just as strong, but the worry, the longing fades to a warm certainty. "I do," he murmurs, pulling back just enough to look at him. "I've seen you do so many amazing things. You've helped me do amazing things. I know it's hard to feel certain about yourself sometimes. But you helped me through that. Will you let me help you, now? Will you let me feel it for you?"

The thought of shutting off his brain when his emotions are what's leaving him on edge is terrifying, but it's different, with Larry. With his twin's love and confidence as a core of strength inside him. Henry takes a deep breath, then nods, and even though they don't have much time before dinner, sets up to start meditation with his twin.

~~~

Apart from some after-dinner conversation, Henry doesn't usually stay awake late. It's easier to fall asleep early, lulled by the familiar warmth of Larry's carnal happiness, and enjoy the middle of the night wakefulness for a few hours of complete quiet with his twin asleep. But tonight he needs to put that on hold. He catches Jacob as they all start cleaning up with a hand on his arm. "Hey... can I steal you for a few minutes? Privately?"

Jacob looks a little surprised, and nods, following Henry into his room.

It's hard to know where to start. Was his room even the right choice? They have a storage stool at the end of the bed, and he perches there, looking up at his friend and trying to push away the feelings of uncertainty and helplessness even as Larry intentionally presses back comfort and certainty. Henry forces himself to draw a deep breath. "I'm sorry. About - about turning down your idea."

"Oh." Jacob hesitates, then sits down as well, though he stays to the other end of the bench and doesn't look up at him. "It's fine, I'm not angry. You were probably right. It's silly to do something that might be risky just to find out if it works. There's not really any benefit to you and I being able to connect."

The way he speaks about it makes Henry feel an unexpected pang of regret. "I didn't mean it like that. We don't know if there's a benefit or not, right? There's so many things we don't know, so many things we just need to guess and safely test. Building our school was a risk, we wouldn't even be here if they'd been as cautious then as they are now."

"Yeah?" Jacob looks up at him, then hesitates, wetting his lips. "So... does that mean you've changed your mind?"

Immediately the panic is back, and Henry fights to focus on the connection to his twin, fights to keep from making excuses and running again. He thinks about meditation, closing his eyes and forcing himself to breathe slowly, drawing a deep breath, then another, slightly less shaky.

Then he feels the tentative press of Jacob's hand over his, his voice soft. "....are you alright?"

"I don't hate your idea," Henry manages to force out. "I'm just - I'm terrified, Jacob."

"Of something going wrong?" Jacob takes his hand between both of his, warm and secure. "We'll be careful, we'll keep track of our readings."

"It's not that." His hand feels clammy between Jacob's, and it's all Henry can do not to yank it away. "I can't... Jacob, I don't...." He stops, words tumbling over each other in his mind, none of them helpful. "I'm not the person you want to do this with," he manages finally, and hopes for the miracle of Jacob not asking questions.

Jacob is silent for a moment, still holding his hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. "...Yes, I really think you are."

Henry looks at him helplessly. "Why?"

Jacob sits still and quiet, eyes wide as he looks at him. "Because... because we're close, aren't we?"

God, why does it hurt so much to hear him say such things? Henry swallows against the lump in his throat. "I want to be," he whispers. "I'm just... I can't be the person to do that for you. I'm not - the way I think, the way I feel, I... I don't even know how I can connect with Larry sometimes."

Jacob gives a little shake of his head. "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean."

Henry closes his eyes, frustrated at his own inability to explain, at the words that won't come. He clutches Jacob's hand tighter, but can't bring himself to look at him. "My brain doesn't work the same way normal peoples' do," he forces through clenched teeth, because as much as he doesn't want to admit this weakness, Jacob needs to understand. "I don't - I don't feel all the things normal people do. I... Jacob, I'm _defective_."

For a moment, Jacob doesn't reply. Then he slides closer, and Henry doesn't resist as he wraps his arms around his shoulders, urging him closer, urging Henry's face into his neck. He presses his lips to his hair, letting out a shuddering breath. "I love the way your brain works," he murmurs. "Haven't you realized that by now? Everything else... everything else doesn't matter to me."

Henry thinks of his feelings, the love he's been locking up so desperately. "It will."

"Why?" Jacob's fingers stroke through his hair. "We're all polyamorous here, Henry. To be honest, sex doesn't really matter that much to me either, it's only important to me because it's important to John. That's not what I want from you."

The things that he's saying make sense, an astonishing amount of sense, but at the same time, how can it be real? He knows his own failings, all the reasons why no-one should ever want to be with him, let alone someone like Jacob. The opinions war in his mind, feed his fear. Henry draws back enough to look at him. The fear inside him tells him that he must be misinterpreting, because these things directly conflict with the truths that he knows about himself. His mind must be failing him, he must be observing things wrong. He can't - 

"What do you want from me?" he manages to whisper finally.

Jacob lets out a long breath, just watching him for a long moment, one hand moving to cup the back of his head, fingers digging into his hair. He tries to smile, and though it's small, there's determination and hope both wrapped up in it. "You told me once that you thought I was just as brave as John. That I could be, if I could figure out how to do less thinking and more... doing. Do you still believe that?"

"Of course I do," Henry replies.

"Okay," Jacob replies, and he nods as he draws a deep breath. Then he leans close again, pressing a trembling, hesitant kiss to his mouth.

It's _proof_, and Henry chokes on a soft sob against his mouth, trembling as he pulls Jacob closer, kissing him again. It's proof that his observations, his interpretations were right, but the affirmation of that doesn't push away the misgivings that were fighting against them. "I'm in love with you," he whispers, and it hurts to say it because of what has to come next. "I love you, Jacob, but I can't be with you. I can't feel like Larry does, I can't feel attraction, I can hardly even feel arousal outside of Activation and that's mostly because of him, I - "

Jacob kisses him again before he can say more, fingers tightening in his hair. "Shhh..." he breathes, and when he pulls back his eyes are bright with tears. "... you love me?"

Henry nods, heart aching, and moves a hand to cup his cheek, thumb brushing away tears. "I love you," he breathes again. "I'm so sorry I can't give you more."

Jacob chokes, shaking his head. "Henry, that's all I want from you." He blinks tears to wind down his cheeks, then presses a trembling kiss to his lips, salty. "You're not defective, not at all. You're wonderful, you're perfect, and I love you. I want to be close to you, Hen, more than anything else in the world. Please let me love you."

There's so much earnestness and bravery in his words, and even though part of Henry still screams that he's not worth _this_, it can't outweigh what Jacob is saying. What Jacob is asking for and offering in turn - everything he could have ever hoped for, and more. He manages a smile, kissing him again, kissing the tears from his cheeks, kissing his hair.

"I'll do my best," he whispers, and when Jacob kisses him again his smile is wide and trembling.

"That's more than enough for me, my love."

~~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's the thing. I wrote an entire NaNo length novel with these two in the background, very much feeling that they both fell into various places on the ace scale and were going to eventually cuddle happily ever after. It didn't fit into the main text, so I've given them this cute little spinoff. And if you are a person who wants a demi and a gray-ace cuddling happily ever after, there you have it, end of story. C'est fini, the end.
> 
> For the rest of you... here's the thing. I like writing smut. That's what I'm here for. And since I'd already established that neither of them were particularly sex averse, as well as the whole empathy thing, it felt it unrealistic that it would not occasionally happen that the stars would align for some physical intimacy. So. Here's those stars aligning. :D

Jacob is warm and comfortable when he awakes, the world quiet around him. It's a rest day, and with no work to do and no alarms to set they've all slept in, the mid-morning sun in pinpricks through the blinds. Cuddled up against his side, Henry breathes deep, occasionally making a little snoozing sound. Jacob assumes that his twin is still fast asleep in the other room after whatever carnal proclivities that had kept them up half the night; the feel of John is completely quiet beyond the soft, constant reminder of his consciousness nearby.

Jacob closes his eyes again, and cuddles into the warmth of his boyfriend, turning his face to nuzzle against Henry's hair and breathing deep. He's so used to sleeping with John, and had been pleasantly surprised by how different it was to wake up with Henry - the scent of his body, the way he cuddled against him, the way that it looks to have his pale, heavily freckled skin against his own. And the way Jacob feels in his presence, the way he's felt towards Henry for a very long time, but so much stronger in the past few months since they became this: warm, and happy, cherishing and the satisfaction of being cherished.

He dozes, content, rousing a little at the feel of Henry's fingers moving slowly on his side. Giving a pleased hum, Jacob turns into him, finding his mouth for a kiss, warm and sweet and lingering. Jacob thinks there may be nothing nicer than this - being cuddled close to Henry, warm and relaxed, sharing lazy kisses and affectionate touch as they come to waking.

At some point he registers that John is awake and horny again, which isn't anything out of the normal. Jacob enjoys the feedback, enjoys relaxing into the warmth of John's happiness and carnal pleasure from the other room as he cuddles with Henry. "Your twin feel as good as mine?"

"Mm-hmm," Henry agrees, nuzzling a kiss to his neck. "You need to get up, or should we just enjoy it for a bit?"

There's things they can do, of course, there's always new data to utilize, including, secretly, their own. But there's no rush today. He strokes his fingers through the thickness of Henry's auburn hair. "Let's enjoy it for a bit."

There's really nothing better than knowing that both his boys are happy; feeling John through their bond, Henry in his arms. It's hard to imagine how some pairs here, the ones before Henry's school, can go without either. The thought is only fleeting, though; it's so much nicer to just cuddle and relax, drifting in a sea of happiness and well being.

John will be at it for a while, Jacob knows that from experience. He and Henry will normally get up sometime before the others, make tea and the hot stim drink, and occasionally have a quick breakfast and leave, on the days that their twins indulge for too long. Sometimes it's nice to be just as lazy, to eventually take a long shower with Henry, enjoying the feedback of John lost to pleasure. Today he half-dozes in contentment, fingers idly tracing slow patterns through Henry's hair. It's arousing, of course, to have such feedback of pleasure from his twin, but Jacob's long learned that he can enjoy it just as well without acting on it.

He's pretty sure John's getting close to his second orgasm when Henry's fingers stroke lower on his belly, teasing just above the waistband of his boxers as he presses an open-mouthed kiss at the corner of Jacob's jaw before speaking. "Mmm... you wanna fool around a bit?"

It's been careful territory to navigate. Jacob, really, would be down for it any time when it came to Henry; he finds Henry unbearably sexy in the way that always seems to come hand-in-hand with love for him. But he has many other options for sex, and only one Henry, and he's never going to say no. It took some trust, to establish that Henry would only initiate when he was sincere, and that Jacob would go to his brother if he had additional needs. He smiles, turning his face to find Henry's mouth with his own. "If you like, lover."

Henry gives a hum of agreement, kisses still slow and warm. But his fingers smooth down lower to fondle Jacob's half hard cock, and as he arches against his hip in slow rocks Jacob can feel him harden as well.

It's very sexy, even when Henry just molests him like this, though Jacob always enjoys the occasions when Henry asks for pleasure in return. Today Henry seems rather more aggressive than usual, though, fingers sliding into his boxers as he sucks at Jacobs lips and tongue, pressing up into Jacob's touch with undoubted affirmation when Jacob questions with a gentle caress.

"If feels different for them, doesn't it?" Henry breathes against his mouth. "Does it feel different, for John? How he is with the others?"

Jacob hums assent. He hadn't thought so at first, but over time it had become very apparent. John felt so tender, when he was with Daniel, unbearably loving, protective and dominant. John being with Ben was rare, but playful and submissive in turn, his twin's craving to be taken strong and sexy.

The feel of John and Larry together is different, though, and harder to describe. Some of that same love and submission, mixed with a feeling uninhibited and completely accepted and sexy. Sometimes it feels fantastically kinky, sometimes tender, and sometimes, like this morning, John undoubtedly just wants to get fucked hard.

"It feels different," he agrees breathlessly, biting his bottom lip on a groan as Henry's thumb slicks through the arousal on the head of his cock. "He's... mmm, he's so desperate for it when he's with Larry like this...."

"And Lar is so desperate to please him..." Henry stops touching him long enough to tug at Jacob's boxers, which Jacob wriggles out of happily, turning closer to Henry and sliding a hand into his boxers in turn.

"Lar pleases him so good," he pants, rocking into his touch. "And this feels so good, Hen..."

Henry gives a pleased hum against his mouth, fingers tightening around him slightly. His kisses are full and lush and generous, and John is so close that Jacob can't help but taste him deep and hungry, gasping for breath against his mouth.

"I think I'd like to take you today," Henry murmurs, just as John tumbles over the edge, and Jacob cries out breathlessly, lost to the bliss of his twin's orgasm as it shudders back along their bond.

Henry gives a low groan as well, fingers stilling on his cock, his breath as laboured as Jacob's. "Mmm. Is that a yes?"

"Very yes," Jacob breathes, and digs in the bedside table for lube.

Jacob isn't particularly into this with John or the others, not when John is so much more satisfied with being taken. He's not sure if he would have really considered it, if the feedback from John with his other lovers hadn't proved so tantalizing. Now he wastes no time in working slick fingers back between his thighs, groaning as Henry works a finger in alongside his own. Jacob will never be like a rabbit, but taking Henry has never been anything but enjoyable, especially when John is being taken as well.

"Lar feels so aggressive this morning," Henry breathes as he pumps his finger in him slowly, and in the dim light that sneaks through the blinds his blue eyes are wide. "Do you like feeling John when he takes him?"

"So much," Jacob gasps, pressing his fingers deeper, arching into the penetration. Because of course John hasn't stopped, of course he's still turned on and craving. "Oh god...."

Henry nips at his bottom lip. "How do you want me?"

For a split second Jacob wants to be on his hands and knees, wants to be able to beg Henry to fuck him as hard as he knows John is. But that's John's desires, not his own. He eases his fingers away and grabs a pillow, shoving it under his hips. "Like this. Want to be close to you, please, Hen...."

In moments Henry has kicked off his boxers as well and moved between his thighs, slicking his cock as Jacob pulls his knees up to his chest. And Larry must be in a way, because Henry wastes no time in taking him, pressing close and rocking deeper with each thrust until he's grinding against his ass. He claims a kiss from Jacob's lips as he starts to move in him, slow and deep, breath coming harder against his mouth. "Really like feeling when he's so desperate for John," he pants, and Jacob pulls him into another kiss, clamping his knees against his sides to encourage him.

"Me too," he pants, arching up into his thrusts eagerly. "Don't hold back, lover. You feel so good...."

Henry groans against his mouth, hips stuttering up into him, and it ceases to be about what John is feeling and who's fucking who. He's with Henry, this wonderful, intelligent man, who's given Jacob all the love he could ever ask for and more besides. Getting fucked like this is just whipped cream on top of a very, very nice cake.

"My Jacob," Henry breathes, and steals his cry with a kiss as he picks up the pace. He certainly knows how to fuck, even with all things considered, angling just right until every thrust is a flood of pleasure, until Jacob can't hold back his cries. His cock rubs against Henry's stomach as they move together, but it doesn't matter - the pleasure, the emotion between them is perfect, augmented by the carnal bliss that echoes across his bond with John.

"Yours," Jacob agrees, and arches up to kiss him, sucking hungrily on those lush generous lips. "Always yours - and you're mine - my Henry - "

"Always," Henry echoes, hips stuttering into him, rougher, more urgent, and it's so fucking good. "You're exquisite," Henry gasps, as if reading his mind, pressing closer, nearly bending him in two. "Feel so good, darling - fuck - "

"Please - " Jacob manages to gasp, and then it's too much - his own pleasure and John's combined, cresting overwhelmingly strong. It's the only thing that exists for a moment - this pleasure and his exquisite love for Henry, filling him entirely as he spills between them. And then Henry rocks deep and follows with a groan, pulsing inside him, filling him slick and hot and perfect.

For a long moment Jacob just clings to him, keeping Henry close with his legs wrapped around him. It's too good to end, this bliss of emotion, the bliss from John. The ebbs of his own pleasure as he comes down, Henry still pressed deep inside him. And most of all his love for Henry, wondrous and beautiful.

"I love you so much," he murmurs, finding Henry's lips with his own as his lover lifts his head. "So much. With or without this," He's told Henry hundreds of times, but he never wants his lover to question.

"I know," Henry responds, smiling as he kisses him again. "I know, darling. And I... I love all that we are."

All that they are. Jacob smiles, relaxing back against the pillows. "I like that," he murmurs. "Everything."

And Henry smiles, and cuddles close, kissing him like he's the most precious thing in the world.

~~~ fin ~~~


End file.
